Category Archives: the language of love

Love Language

One of the more interesting concept about love is the idea that there are different “love languages”.

These are the ways in which people express love. And of course if your love language is different to your partner’s, you may not appreciate that he loves you, and he may not appreciate that you love him.

So let’s look briefly at the concept of love languages and see what it can actually do for us in relationship. And also, what the idea of love languages can do for a woman who wants to have a man fall in love with her.

The idea is that there are five different ways to express and experience love – each of these is love language. They are:

  • Receiving Gifts
  • Quality Time
  • Words of Affirmation
  • Acts of Service or Devotion
  • Physical Touch

The originator of the theory of love languages was Gary Chapman. He suggested that each one of us has a preferred (primary) love language and a secondary love language (which we use less).

Suppose, for example, you believe love is expressed mostly through, say, acts of service, while the man you want to love you thinks that love is expressed through words of affirmation. Clearly, you might be heading for some kind of car crash in your relationship.

Why? Because you don’t pick up on the symbols of his love which your man is giving to you as an expression of how he feels about you! 

Gary Chapman also suggested that people tend to express love for another person in the same way that they prefer to receive love.

So you can truly understand whether a man is falling in love with you by simply looking at how he expresses love, what is his primary love language.

When you know his love language, you can tell if he is showing you his love, and you’re simply not recognizing the fact.

The Man You Love and Love Languages

The importance of Gary Chapman’s work on love languages is that it really can help you to see relationships in a different way.

You can take a quiz on his website to find out what your own love languages are – 5lovelanguages

So let’s take a look at each of them in a little bit more detail.

1 Words of Affirmation

This is simple and straightforward – you say things like “I love you” to your partner as a way of expressing your love for them. And to someone whose love language is about words, negative or disrespectful words can be very destructive to the mutual expression and feelings of love.

2 Quality Time

Again, the name gives it away: this expression of love is about spending time with your partner, and giving them your undivided attention.

Talk will not mean so much to a person whose primary love language is quality time.

It’s being together that counts, it’s being together which is the main focus for the feelings of satisfaction, comfort and appreciation which come from being loved.

When someone whose love language is quality time finds that their partner is distracted, or postpones dates, or doesn’t spend intimate time with them, they may feel really hurt. “Being there” is what counts.

3 Receiving Gifts

Gary Chapman suggests that some people understand they are loved when they receive a tangible gift. It’s not about materialism, it’s more about a physical expression being meaningful or thoughtful enough to make somebody feel appreciated and loved.

4 Acts of Service

People whose love language is primarily around acts of service believe that “actions speak louder than words”.

If you are in this category, acts of service or doing things for your partner is a true demonstration of love and shows that you really care.

Broken promises are hurtful to people whose love language is about doing things. For example, anyone who breaks a promise or causes a person more work will be showing a lack of love.

In fact, if you want to make a man to love you and his love language is about acts of service, you must be willing to show your man appreciation by supporting him in practical ways, or he may conclude you don’t value him.

5 Physical Touch

Someone whose love language is physical touch will appreciate and want to be held in an appropriate way. 

And this isn’t about what goes on in the bedroom during sex, where we hold each other.

It means showing love by touch every day, in appropriate ways, like handholding or kissing or any other affirming physical touch.

For somebody whose primary love language is touch, not being supported physically and held can be devastating because it demonstrates to them a lack of love and affection.

Of course we all have our own primary or preferred love language, which is our preferred way of expressing and receiving love.

But this doesn’t mean we need to avoid (or should avoid) all of the others.

And to be clever enough to spot the primary love language of your partner and to be able to satisfy their desire for the  way in which you express your love is a skill we all need.

So take a look at the book with your partner, or go to Gary Chapman’s website and complete the quiz. You’ll discover whether you have different styles of loving to your partner, and find out what you need to do to express your love more clearly to your partner.