Men, Sex And Love

When you’re hunting for a man to fall in love with – for want of a better way of putting it – it’s useful to know some of the things about your “prey” that might not be obvious to you at first sight.

And one of those things is how men see sex and love.

I mean, you, as a woman, know very well how you feel about the connection between love and sex. Sex is probably the physical expression of a deeply felt love for a man, at a level that seems to take over your soul.

You value sex, as a way of connecting with somebody truly special to you, perhaps even the man who you want to have fall in love with you, the man with whom you wish to remain in relationship for the rest of your life.

But you may not fully understand how men see sex.

I’ve worked with men who have all kinds of addictions, and sexual issues like low and high sex drive.

And what I know is that many men use sex as a way of connecting with their need for love, intimacy, connection, comfort, soothing and care.

That’s not to say that men don’t like nonsexual contact. We all know how soothing and comforting it is to have a hug or a cuddle.

But to understand men’s psychology around sex, you need to understand why sex can become a way for a man to express his desire for physical or even emotional connection with the woman he loves.

And this comes down to the fact that many men in society are brought up to believe that it’s somehow shameful, weak or feminine to express their need for connection.

(Keep in mind that when we talk about connection here were talking about both spiritual, emotional and physical connection.)

So a man who’s been brought up in this way may feel sad, but have no way of articulating that sadness. Believe it or not, it’s even possible he doesn’t know he’s sad.

But his human instincts will propel him to look for some kind of connection. And because of the way he’s been brought up to think about men’s role in society, and men’s relationships with emotions, he may believe that what he actually wants is to have sex. I mean, it’s a great way of connecting, isn’t it?

you may well meet a man who thinks it’s weak or unmasculine to allow a woman – even when he has fallen in love with you – to know that he is lonely, isolated or sad.

He may, however, find it perfectly acceptable to ask for sex. And no wonder! Sex would certainly satisfy his need for human connection.

So you could see a desire for sex at the root of almost any desire for connection and love, even when it might be expressed more appropriately.

An example which comes to mind here is how men often think a woman is going to want to make love after they’ve had an argument – for a man it’s perfectly logical. For a woman it’s inconceivable. What he’s searching for is reconnection, and what she feels is complete disconnection.

And don’t forget, too, that sexual excitement is a basic human drive in its own right.

But it can become tangled up with feelings of sadness, loneliness, anxiety, anger and fear.

When you get that cocktail of feelings going on, it’s no wonder that many men – and perhaps even a lot of women – aren’t entirely clear about what they’re feeling.

It’s just a clever way in which the human mind ensures that our basic human needs for connection and contact with another human being are met.

And of course, as I said before, we live in an age where young boys and men aren’t encouraged to express their feelings or show their authentic selves.

We have a narrow definition of masculinity which pretty much means men are allowed to express sexual excitement and anger as their two main feelings. Anything else is pretty much disapproved of.

At least, that’s how men feel about it. I’m sure a lot of women would be delighted if their men were more authentic and could express feelings other than sexual desire and anger!

Anyway, the bottom line is that if you’re in love with a man, or you want to help a man fall in love with you, you need to remember this:  the tender emotions we all feel such as sadness, love, the desire for connection, fear and even a need for intimacy, can be expressed as sexual desire in men.

Think about it! When you’re making love, a man can get held, stroked, hugged, physically soothed, and express and receive love under the guise of sexual intercourse.

What You Can Do for a Man Who’s Fallen in Love With You

  • You can accept his feelings of sadness, fear, joy and excitement as normal, and encourage him to express them.
  • You can tell him that the need to connect with other human beings is one of most basic desires, and it’s not specific to men or women, and it doesn’t need to be expressed through sexual intercourse.
  • You can invite the men in your life to investigate their thoughts and feelings in a non-judgemental environment, and reassure them you certainly don’t think of them as weak or feminine.
  • You can remember that both men and women can be weak and strong in different ways, and the key to emotional well-being is to recognize all these parts and hold them in a respectful way.
  • And you can watch a film with him about how men are socialized to suppress very natural feelings. It’s entitled The Mask You Live In by Jennifer Siebel Newsom and it’s available on Netflix.