Category Archives: love and sex

Men: How To Satisfy Any Woman In Bed!

Whether your sex is long lasting and romantic or fast and furious, you’ll always want to enjoy the greatest satisfaction you can. These are some simple tips which will help you to make sex into a joyous occasion, whenever and wherever you make love. Bear in mind that you can see any such sensual experience as a part of the Lover archetype – the part of us which enjoys sensuality and sensuous experiences. The part of us which has, above all else, a desire to connect with other people – not necessarily sexually, but certainly in an intimate way. The union of mother and baby at birth is the primal form of the lover archetype, and that is in some way the state to which this part of us (the Lover archetype) always wishes to return. It represents bliss and the ultimate in security and happiness. (At least in theory – for not all children have such joyous experiences before, during and after birth.)

1 Take time over foreplay

Most men want to roll around the bed a bit, enter their partner and ejaculate as quickly as possible. An exaggeration? Perhaps, but if you’re honest with yourself, maybe not so much? Men get sexually aroused more quickly than women, and often find foreplay tedious.

When men are aroused, they want quick satisfaction. As a generality, for men, the reward of sex is the intensity of orgasm and ejaculation. For a woman, the rewards of sex come in the form of closeness, intimacy, being with her partner – and, last of all, her orgasm.

And of course women like orgasm, but they certainly have an intense desire for intimacy and physical affection as well. Sometimes this seems more important than sexual intercourse: a finding reported from surveys of sexual behaviour many times during the last fifty years.

The reason for this seems to be that foreplay generally does not last long enough to get a woman properly aroused – aroused to the point where she can enjoy sex.

Foreplay means anything that takes place before the act of penetration – whether that is anal, oral or vaginal. In fact I’d say foreplay is anything that happens before the man or the woman reaches orgasm! Kissing, fondling, caressing, stroking, mutual masturbation, and more: all these things are a kind of foreplay. For a woman the most important aspect of foreplay is to be touched, lovingly, by her partner.

The first touch needs to be non-sexual, on areas of her body other than her genitals. Only as she becomes more in touch with her physical sensations and connected to her sense of arousal and her own body’s response to touch, should the touch gradually transform itself into a more sexual caress, on her breasts and genitals.

Sex and relationships is one of the most popular subjects researched on the internet, particularly for advice on foreplay and intercourse. You can see advice on how to enjoy oral sex, as well as providing a lot of advice about sexual positions, written from the point of view of both a man and a woman, here. You may think of oral sex as something like the main event at dinner, but it can be a great form of foreplay.

Many woman will not reach orgasm through intercourse, but almost all women will reach orgasm through oral sex if they have had about twenty minutes of touching and caressing and kissing beforehand. This can be a great precursor to penetration for both men and women, as it does not matter if he ejaculates quickly when he enters her. For techniques to delay ejaculation, please check out my work described on my fantastic ejaculation control blog.

2 Be a sensitive lover

Just taking your pleasure and ignoring her needs during intercourse is a route to disaster! A woman wants the intimacy and rewards of sex just as you do, but to get them she will need to be loved, reassured, stroked, and respected. You can of course work out strategies and techniques for enjoying better sex long before you even get into bed – the Magician within you is a great source of creative ideas. In mentioning the Magician archetype, I hope to illustrate how the various energies with in the human system can work together during sex to create a more fulfilling experience.

This planning process, the domain of the Magician, means many things: giving her an orgasm through oral sex before you enter her, perhaps; cuddling her after intercourse; saying how much you love her outside the bedroom as well as during your lovemaking; spending enough time on foreplay (see above); giving her the opportunity to lead and take the initiative during sex…..and so on. What represents being sensitive will be different for all women, just as it is for all men. That part of the sexual experience comes from the Lover archetype – read more about that here.

One way to make sure she gets pleasure during intercourse is to ensure that you have taken the time to learn better control, so that she can get as much physical pleasure from the thrusting of your penis in her vagina as possible. Many men think they cannot control their ejaculation: the reality is that with a little motivation, it’s not at all hard to learn how to treat premature ejaculation.

3 Reassure your woman about her body

She’s likely to be much more sensitive about her appearance than you can imagine – even if she does have a few areas that are not perfect, as far as you’re concerned, this may not matter. After all, when you’re about to have sex, that’s the last thing on your mind!

But to her, it is extremely important to hear that you like her body, and that you find her attractive.

What’s more, she’ll want to hear this many times – it’s no use expecting her to be reassured just because you told her she was attractive last week!

4 Provide the right amount of reassurance about the fact that you love her.

Such reassurance is all part of a woman’s need for emotional security. She can only give herself fully, and therefore be fully into sex with you, when she is emotionally secure and happy in your relationship. And by the way, she may be more fully in the relationship if she is sexually satisfied. This is because good sexual and sensual experiences open her up to inhabit more fully her Lover energy.

That can only happen if you work to ensure her sexual pleasure. As a man, you have a responsibility to seduce her, which actually means ensuring she knows you are sexually attracted to her – this is a vital part of her self-esteem. And also, to romance her, which means, essentially, paying her attention. And indeed, to be gentle and loving with her in bed. This means knowing what she needs to satisfy her sexually – essentially, knowing what you have to do to bring her to orgasm. You could see these techniques as being directed by your Sovereign archetype, the heart centred part of you which directs your life and your wider world. There’s a good summary of different archetypes here.

5 Be considerate and elegant during sex

Of course there are times when sex goes wrong, and these are the times when a couple who are truly relaxed with each other can laugh about it without embarrassment or shame. But for the most part, sex goes smoothly when you add a little thought to what you’re doing: for example, don’t leave your socks on when you undress.

There are few things in life as comical as a man dressed only in his underwear and socks. When you’ve made love, dispose of the condom tidily, in a tissue. When you enter her during sex, don’t peck around with your penis at the entrance to her vagina: if you can’t find the way past her labia, ask her to guide your penis in with her hand. It’s touches like these which will make sex a graceful experience.

6 Control your orgasm

There is no need for a man to lose control during sex. Indeed, the mark of a good lover is that he knows exactly how near his ejaculation he is and how to stop himself ejaculating as he thrusts in his partner’s vagina. If you don’t have this level of control, it’s worth researching how you can overcome rapid ejaculation and how to last longer in bed for men, as it will enhance your experience of sex and it will make your lover respect you more.

7 Deal with erectile dysfunction or other sexual problems 

The pressure is often on men during sex to get and keep an erection, and this is not always as easy as you might think. Certainly as men get older they come to remember the proud hard erections of their youth with great fondness! The erratic erection, the low sex drive, the inability to reach orgasm: all these problems and more can be dealt with, fairly easily. If you look after your sexual health, you’ll find that sex continues to be just as rewarding as it was when you were young.

The answer to many sexual problems is simple: communicate with your partner and let her know what’s happening for you. You don’t have to reveal every detail of your sexual life (often this would not be appropriate; for example, many of men’s sexual fantasies are best kept secret!), but you do need to talk about your feelings, hopes, fears, and what you want and need from your sex life. Only when you find a way to communicate about sex will you reach that relaxed and intimate place where good sex is natural.

Male sexual dysfunction is very common (see a helpful resource here).The most commonly known problems are premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Delayed ejaculation is the third most prevalent.

 

Love and Sex Go Together – Don’t They?

No matter how much we might start with good intentions, the reality is that many relationships become sexless in a comparatively short space of time.

In fact, one in five marriages becomes “sexless” (which means sex takes place less than 10 times a year) within five years.

couple talking about sex
How long will sex last in a loving relationship?

Considering that we’re all brought up to believe that love and sex go together, or that sex is the physical expression of our love for each other, this is quite remarkable.

The Decline Of Sex

The truth is that sex is a really enjoyable part of both an individual’s and a couple’s life, both separately and together.

And you can’t talk about loving someone forever if you’re not having sex with them – or rather, you can’t talk about romantic love as lasting forever if you’re not engaged in sexual intimacy with your partner.

Video – What Love Really Means

One of the critical things about good sex within any relationship is to have realistic expectations about what it can do for a couple. Also, it’s necessary that both members of a couple value their sexual health, their sexual body, and their partners sexual body.

Perhaps one of the reasons why a loving relationship which starts out with lots of passionate, romantic love and intense sex declines quite quickly into in a sexual relationship with a lack of intimacy is not that love has diminished, but that the couple are aiming for a too-perfect sexual relationship.

You see, when you regard sex as something that is about pleasure, and intimacy, and reducing tension, and increasing self-esteem, you can probably accept more easily that it doesn’t have to be perfect, and that it can take a variety of forms, all of which are satisfying in one way or another.

But He Doesn’t Love Me Any More!

Couple making love
Erectile problems do NOT mean a man’s stopped loving you!

By the age of 40, as many as 90% of men will have gone through at least one experience of not being able to get an erection or losing it during intercourse.

That’s quite normal, it’s not a sign of erectile dysfunction – and it’s certainly not a sign that your man has stopped loving you, as some women often think!

Some women seem to think that the loss of an erection or a man’s inability to get an erection means something about him not desiring his partner any more. This isn’t true either.

But on the other hand, the penis never lies, and the lack of an erection means something. It’s a way the body is speaking to you and to the man who owns it. And yes, doctors do think that the majority of problems with erections in men under 50 are the result of psychological or relationship factors.

What kind of factors might those be?

Well, probably something about some aspect of love in one way or another. Often it’s about connection and intimacy – or a lack of those qualities.

It’s quite possible to love somebody, but not to feel intimate or even to feel sexual with them, even within a loving relationship. Yet most women really value physical intimacy and want it to continue throughout the love relationship.

empathy promotes love
Talking, sharing, and empathising is vital in any relationship….. for maintaining sex as well as loving feelings.

This desire for love and the physical connection and intimacy of sexual intercourse needs to be set against a realistic background: for example, it’s a myth that men are always ready to have intercourse, at any time, with any woman, whenever the opportunity arises.

This is simply untrue. And at the same time for a man, the loss of his erection, or failure to become aroused at all, tends to rate around 10 on a scale of 0 to 10 in the personal disaster league.

Furthermore if a man loses his erection during lovemaking, he tends to wonder why he’s not turned on, while his partner may think that he’s lost interest in her sexually or he is turned off in some way.

In fact, erections come and go quite naturally during prolonged intimacy, sex play and lovemaking. In 45 minutes, a man should expect 3 or 5 erections.

How To Enjoy Love More

There are some simple tips which can help couples enjoy lovemaking more. And since lovemaking such fundamental aspect of any relationship, it’s worthwhile considering incorporating them into your own sexual routine:

1 Let the woman initiate intercourse and guide the man into her. This reduces performance pressure, and it’s a comfortable and familiar process for the woman, removing pressure from the man.

2 And don’t expect every intimate encounter to lead to intercourse – only about 85% or less of interactions will end in intercourse, the others can conclude with a loving connection, a loving cuddle perhaps, or some erotic expression that doesn’t involve coupling.

Rekindling Your Sexual Desire

You need to start with a sense of positive anticipation, and the expectation that you deserve the pleasure of sexual satisfaction within a loving relationship.

You also need to accept that you’re the one who’s responsible for getting that pleasure – it’s not up to your partner to pleasure you, although that’s often the way couples see the dynamic of the physical expression of love between a man and a woman. (That is, man pleasures woman.)

Who is responsible for your sexual pleasure?
Who is responsible for your sexual pleasure?

And remember that the initial romantic love and passionate sex phase of any lovers’ relationship will usually last less than two years, and is often over within six months.

In a loving relationship, sexual desire is maintained by you both developing a comfortable way of functioning as a sexual couple.

That means building intimacy, being relaxed about sex, releasing false expectations and hopes of what sex can do for you, and finding ways to maintain sexual desire.

The chief one of those, by the way, is touching, both sexual and nonsexual.

The Importance Of Touch

There’s an interesting set of guidelines for couples in a loving relationship who want to maintain a sexual connection by using the catalyst of touch.

This is likening touch to having a car with five gears. The first gear is when you’re just simply holding hands or kissing or hugging, and second gear is more sensual touch, which might or might not be with your clothes on, holding and caressing, or perhaps cuddling in bed.

Third gear is touching both the body in general and the genitals specifically, whether  in clothes or not, or perhaps engaging in such things as taking a bath together or whole body massage.

Fourth gear is erotic touching – in other words mutual stimulation of the genitals and other body parts to high levels of arousal and perhaps orgasm. And fifth gear is, as you might have guessed, within the context of a loving relationship, allowing pleasurable and erotic touch to flow into intercourse.

physical appearance and love
Which gear are they in!?

It’s important that this is fun, and affectionate, perhaps even sensual and playful.

Yes, “play” is a good word to apply to the way that physical sensations of lovemaking manifest within an ongoing loving relationship between a man and a woman.

As an expectation many women think that somehow love alone will keep sex on the agenda. It isn’t really like that; it has to be worked out, you have to find ways to cultivate sexual desire.

Touching, as we’ve already seen, is a very good way to do that – and there are many others.

Loving sex within a love relationship with a loved mate is basically about finding ways of communicating to your partner your anticipation, expectation, experience, beliefs and feelings around sex.

Bear in mind it’s worth doing this because positive sexuality can really increase shared pleasure in the wider relationship, it can deepen intimacy, and it can help you both deal with stresses of life and indeed the stresses of your relationship.

There’s a lot of evidence to show that having orgasms in the bedroom isn’t just satisfying within the context of physical loving. The pleasure and satisfaction which orgasms produce spreads into a harmonious relationship outside the bedroom in all areas of life.

It’s also important to have realistic expectations. You can’t expect to have the same level of pleasure, perhaps you can’t even expect to have an orgasm, or maybe even emotional and physical satisfaction, each time you make love.

For when you look at couples who have been together a long time, only a third to a half of sexual experiences are very good for both people.

In general one experience of sex in five is very good for one person and just OK for the other, and about the same proportion are just OK for one person and merely acceptable for the other.

And between 5% and 15% of sexual experiences are downright disappointing, no matter how much two people might love each other.

You just have to accept that is part of life, bounce back, and enjoy “good enough” sex next time, while laughing off whatever goes wrong from time to time.

Interestingly enough, regardless of how much a woman might love a man, or how much a man might love a woman, when sex falls to a frequency of less than twice a month, both the man and the woman may become anxious about anticipating it, and self-conscious about the possibility of having it.

When it does happen they may find that sex is tense and unsatisfying. That in turn leads to a future avoidance of sex, which often puzzles the couple, because they feel like they don’t want any sex any more.

To be honest, the simple remedy for this is to plan times for sex, to put it in your diary, and to enjoy it.

You’ll find that the more you have sex, the more you’ll enjoy it, and the more loving you’ll feel towards each other.

You see, one of the most important things about sex is that sexual desire (or if you prefer, “being horny”) develops when you having regular sexual activity!