Whether your sex is long lasting and romantic or fast and furious, you’ll always want to enjoy the greatest satisfaction you can. These are some simple tips which will help you to make sex into a joyous occasion, whenever and wherever you make love. Bear in mind that you can see any such sensual experience as a part of the Lover archetype – the part of us which enjoys sensuality and sensuous experiences. The part of us which has, above all else, a desire to connect with other people – not necessarily sexually, but certainly in an intimate way. The union of mother and baby at birth is the primal form of the lover archetype, and that is in some way the state to which this part of us (the Lover archetype) always wishes to return. It represents bliss and the ultimate in security and happiness. (At least in theory – for not all children have such joyous experiences before, during and after birth.)
1 Take time over foreplay
Most men want to roll around the bed a bit, enter their partner and ejaculate as quickly as possible. An exaggeration? Perhaps, but if you’re honest with yourself, maybe not so much? Men get sexually aroused more quickly than women, and often find foreplay tedious.
When men are aroused, they want quick satisfaction. As a generality, for men, the reward of sex is the intensity of orgasm and ejaculation. For a woman, the rewards of sex come in the form of closeness, intimacy, being with her partner – and, last of all, her orgasm.
And of course women like orgasm, but they certainly have an intense desire for intimacy and physical affection as well. Sometimes this seems more important than sexual intercourse: a finding reported from surveys of sexual behaviour many times during the last fifty years.
The reason for this seems to be that foreplay generally does not last long enough to get a woman properly aroused – aroused to the point where she can enjoy sex.
Foreplay means anything that takes place before the act of penetration – whether that is anal, oral or vaginal. In fact I’d say foreplay is anything that happens before the man or the woman reaches orgasm! Kissing, fondling, caressing, stroking, mutual masturbation, and more: all these things are a kind of foreplay. For a woman the most important aspect of foreplay is to be touched, lovingly, by her partner.
The first touch needs to be non-sexual, on areas of her body other than her genitals. Only as she becomes more in touch with her physical sensations and connected to her sense of arousal and her own body’s response to touch, should the touch gradually transform itself into a more sexual caress, on her breasts and genitals.
Sex and relationships is one of the most popular subjects researched on the internet, particularly for advice on foreplay and intercourse. You can see advice on how to enjoy oral sex, as well as providing a lot of advice about sexual positions, written from the point of view of both a man and a woman, here. You may think of oral sex as something like the main event at dinner, but it can be a great form of foreplay.
Many woman will not reach orgasm through intercourse, but almost all women will reach orgasm through oral sex if they have had about twenty minutes of touching and caressing and kissing beforehand. This can be a great precursor to penetration for both men and women, as it does not matter if he ejaculates quickly when he enters her. For techniques to delay ejaculation, please check out my work described on my fantastic ejaculation control blog.
2 Be a sensitive lover
Just taking your pleasure and ignoring her needs during intercourse is a route to disaster! A woman wants the intimacy and rewards of sex just as you do, but to get them she will need to be loved, reassured, stroked, and respected. You can of course work out strategies and techniques for enjoying better sex long before you even get into bed – the Magician within you is a great source of creative ideas. In mentioning the Magician archetype, I hope to illustrate how the various energies with in the human system can work together during sex to create a more fulfilling experience.
This planning process, the domain of the Magician, means many things: giving her an orgasm through oral sex before you enter her, perhaps; cuddling her after intercourse; saying how much you love her outside the bedroom as well as during your lovemaking; spending enough time on foreplay (see above); giving her the opportunity to lead and take the initiative during sex…..and so on. What represents being sensitive will be different for all women, just as it is for all men. That part of the sexual experience comes from the Lover archetype – read more about that here.
One way to make sure she gets pleasure during intercourse is to ensure that you have taken the time to learn better control, so that she can get as much physical pleasure from the thrusting of your penis in her vagina as possible. Many men think they cannot control their ejaculation: the reality is that with a little motivation, it’s not at all hard to learn how to treat premature ejaculation.
3 Reassure your woman about her body
She’s likely to be much more sensitive about her appearance than you can imagine – even if she does have a few areas that are not perfect, as far as you’re concerned, this may not matter. After all, when you’re about to have sex, that’s the last thing on your mind!
But to her, it is extremely important to hear that you like her body, and that you find her attractive.
What’s more, she’ll want to hear this many times – it’s no use expecting her to be reassured just because you told her she was attractive last week!
4 Provide the right amount of reassurance about the fact that you love her.
Such reassurance is all part of a woman’s need for emotional security. She can only give herself fully, and therefore be fully into sex with you, when she is emotionally secure and happy in your relationship. And by the way, she may be more fully in the relationship if she is sexually satisfied. This is because good sexual and sensual experiences open her up to inhabit more fully her Lover energy.
That can only happen if you work to ensure her sexual pleasure. As a man, you have a responsibility to seduce her, which actually means ensuring she knows you are sexually attracted to her – this is a vital part of her self-esteem. And also, to romance her, which means, essentially, paying her attention. And indeed, to be gentle and loving with her in bed. This means knowing what she needs to satisfy her sexually – essentially, knowing what you have to do to bring her to orgasm. You could see these techniques as being directed by your Sovereign archetype, the heart centred part of you which directs your life and your wider world. There’s a good summary of different archetypes here.
5 Be considerate and elegant during sex
Of course there are times when sex goes wrong, and these are the times when a couple who are truly relaxed with each other can laugh about it without embarrassment or shame. But for the most part, sex goes smoothly when you add a little thought to what you’re doing: for example, don’t leave your socks on when you undress.
There are few things in life as comical as a man dressed only in his underwear and socks. When you’ve made love, dispose of the condom tidily, in a tissue. When you enter her during sex, don’t peck around with your penis at the entrance to her vagina: if you can’t find the way past her labia, ask her to guide your penis in with her hand. It’s touches like these which will make sex a graceful experience.
6 Control your orgasm
There is no need for a man to lose control during sex. Indeed, the mark of a good lover is that he knows exactly how near his ejaculation he is and how to stop himself ejaculating as he thrusts in his partner’s vagina. If you don’t have this level of control, it’s worth researching how you can overcome rapid ejaculation and how to last longer in bed for men, as it will enhance your experience of sex and it will make your lover respect you more.
7 Deal with erectile dysfunction or other sexual problems
The pressure is often on men during sex to get and keep an erection, and this is not always as easy as you might think. Certainly as men get older they come to remember the proud hard erections of their youth with great fondness! The erratic erection, the low sex drive, the inability to reach orgasm: all these problems and more can be dealt with, fairly easily. If you look after your sexual health, you’ll find that sex continues to be just as rewarding as it was when you were young.
The answer to many sexual problems is simple: communicate with your partner and let her know what’s happening for you. You don’t have to reveal every detail of your sexual life (often this would not be appropriate; for example, many of men’s sexual fantasies are best kept secret!), but you do need to talk about your feelings, hopes, fears, and what you want and need from your sex life. Only when you find a way to communicate about sex will you reach that relaxed and intimate place where good sex is natural.
Male sexual dysfunction is very common (see a helpful resource here).The most commonly known problems are premature ejaculation and erectile dysfunction. Delayed ejaculation is the third most prevalent.